XMen Play Harry Potter
by SnoOza
Summary: X-Men and Brotherhood put up Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone for the Charity Fair. *Chapter 6* A peek at Jean *snot-faced* Grey's lil diary. Jean-bashing. You have been warned.
1. Setting the Scene

Hey everyone! This is my first X-Men Evo fanfic. I know someone has had a Harry Potter idea before, but this is slightly different, as you can see. Sorry this chapter is a bit short. Thanks to fiReyLighT for sort-of beta-reading.

A/N: I know in U.S. its called Sorceror's Stone, but I prefer calling it Philospher's Stone. Also, I don't do accents, so any accents by Rogue or Kurt please imagine them for yourselves. Lastly, this is an A/U fic (doh) somewhere around season 1 but I may draw in certain items from the later seasons.

Disclaimer: All X-Men Evo characters are owned by...whoever owns them. (who does?) Harry Potter is owned by JK Rowling.

****Chapter 1 - Setting the Scene** **

"And so...to do our bit for charity, we are going to put up a play during the Charity Fair! Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. " Logan stood in the middle of the living room, surrounded by X-Men sprawled over various furniture pieces, as he bravely orated his surprising speech.

If Logan had expected an enthusiastic response, he was disappointed. Of course, from the look of disgust on his face, no one did think he did.

"Erm, Logan?" Kitty said, looking extremely dubious. "Is that really you or some weird do-gooding nutter deep, and I mean _deep_ down in your soul trying to instil good-will in us all?"

"Of course its me!" Logan returned, looking highly offended. "Can't you recognise my scent?"

"Yeah, booze," Evan muttered from where he was reclining in one of the Institute's overstuffed armchairs.

"It's not like I want to do this," he said a trifle peevishly. "It's Chuck's grand scheme for your summer vacation. Okay, now where was I?"

Logan shuffled through the thick sheaf of paper that was the speech Chuck had prepared for him to read to his students. He wanted to be absolutely certain Logan did not screw anything by promising the kids something absurd, like actually killing off the person who would play Voldemort. Especially when they found out who he was.

"Ah, here it is," Logan extracted a piece of paper out of the jumble and began reading in a monotone. "_Due to the play's demand for a relatively large workforce, we will need to broaden the scalp - _er_ - scope of actors to beyond you X-Men. We are extremely fortu_-what?" Logan squinted at the tiny print, even though he could see the word perfectly clearly. He just wasn't sure whether Chuck had printed the word correctly. He had never seen it before, but deduced that it was possible they didn't use words like those in his motorcycle magazines.

"Er..._We are extremely fortuitous_-what does that mean anyway? _We are extremely fortuitous_-"

"Logan, you've repeated that three times already," Jean said impatiently.

Logan glowered at her. "_We are extremely fortuitous_-"

"Fifth time!"

"Maybe if you didn't interrupt me!" Logan almost shouted, looking rather savage. "We are extremely fortuitous! We are extremely fortuitous!" He glared at Jean, as if daring her to speak. She almost did, but fortunately Scott, fearing for her safety, laid a restraining hand on her arm, and she settled for looking more superior than usual.

Seeming satisfied, Logan cleared his throat. "_We are extremely fortuitous to have obtained the support of_ WHO?" Logan exploded as he began frantically scanning the rest of the script.

"One would think he had never seen this speech before," Kurt commented shrewdly.

"Someone should teach him not to bulge his eyes like that!" Jean said worriedly. "Its unseemly. And he should stand with his legs close together -"

"Jean, we get the idea," Rogue interrupted firmly, and Jean shut up, though she looked somewhat mutinous.

"Gah," Logan suddenly said, his eyes glazing over.

"What?" Scott asked.

"It says here I am supposed to be the director," he said, looking suddenly green, much to the alarm of the X-Men.

"Surely we're not _that_ bad," Scott said in an aggrieved voice. "I do try, you know."

"Oh no, its not that. Its just...we're working with the Brotherhood." 

Utter chaos erupted.  


**~tbc~**

Chapter 2: Casting of Characters. Feel free to speculate, but sorry, I'm not polling for who's who.

Hope to see some reviews! Flames I don't mind. I'll probably just get pissed off and rant about it for a while until everyone agrees I'm right, thats all. :)

Loff,

& fLiTwIcKe


	2. Casting of Characters

Hey again everyone! Thanks for all the reviews, they make me feel all warm and fuzzy! Well not actually, but close. So thanks to SandsO, Red Witch, Anon, todd fan, harrys-angel14, The Scribe, Cammy, me, Neva, RyanGosling4Ever, aMaZinG-GraCe.

Thanks for all the suggestions for character castings, but unfortunately I had already decided all the characters, hope you don't mind them. They're mostly quite predictable, except for some of them. And sorry but none of the new mutants are involved in this story.

Note: I forgot to mention in my last chapter that the people in my story range from slightly OOC to hopelessly OOC depending on my mood. Also fiReyLighT (aka Meli) kindly told me that Logan keeps his beer in the garage, but for my convenience, lets just pretend that the beer is where all normal humans keep their beer, in the fridge in the kitchen.

Disclaimer: X-Men Evo belongs to Marvel, Harry Potter to JK Rowling.

****Chapter 2 - Casting of Characters** **

"WHAT?" Scott shouted, as Jean fell off the couch in shock.

"Cool," Kitty said, while Rogue merely smiled and shook her head.

"Breathe, dude, breathe," Kurt instructed Evan, who was gasping and looking like he had an apple stuck in his throat.

"Me. Pietro. Harry..." Evan choked out.

"Potter," Kurt ended. "Go on. You just have to expel all the bad thoughts to achieve inner peace."

"You sound like a therapist," remarked Kitty, and Kurt smiled broadly.

"I heard they make a lot of money," he said, before turning his attention back to Evan caught-in-the-thralls-of-epilepsy Daniels. "Yes, don't bottle everything up. Speak it out! That is the only way to get in touch with your inner soul. Tell me about how you're going to have to act in a play with Pietro Maximoff, and he's going to terrorise you from start to end, and-"

Apparently the mental image was too much for Evan, because he suddenly turned an unbecoming shade of purple and keeled over in a dead faint. 

"Hey, man!" cried Kurt in consternation. "When I said get in touch with your inner soul, I didn't mean you had to send it to heaven!"

He teleported away and back with a pail of water, which he proceeded to splash liberally on Evan's face. Evan coughed and spluttered a few times before he managed to convince Kurt that he was indeed awake, no he was not sleepwalking, and though he would like Kurt to have his fun, please not to take it out on him.

"Aww," Kurt sighed, removing the pail to a corner of the room.

Seeing that everyone was now suitably restored, Scott decided to attack Logan. Figuratively. "Logan, what do you mean? We can't really be acting with the Brotherhood, can we?"

"Yeah!" Jean interjected. "I mean, there're a band of unruly untameable _children_." She said this as if it was the worst thing a human could say to a fellow earth-dweller.

"Its unfair to lay this kind of trauma on us!" Evan added, as he began having respiratory problems again.

Logan glared at them. "You bunch of selfish brats!" he snapped. "Is this what we've trained you to be? How can you only think of yourselves! Why don't you think about what the effect of this whole thing is for the others! Like _me_!"

Evan stopped gasping long enough to roll his eyes.

"Wait, Logan," Scott said patiently, making a superhuman attempt to calm down...and failing. "Are we really working with the Brotherhood? Why, What, Who, When, Where, How, Who-hey wait haven't I said that already?"

"You have," Kitty informed him.

"Thanks. But really, you are joking aren't you? How can we be working with those...those..."

"Brothers?" Kurt suggested.

"Yes! Brothers! Hey! That's not what I meant to say..." Scott paused, looking confused.

Logan groaned and dropped himself into a chair, which emitted a loud creak too.

"The chair shares your sentiment," Rogue remarked in a rare show of unwanted amusement. Logan shot a look at her.

"According to Chuck's - er, my speech, Chuck mentioned his dilemma of lack of actors to Mystique-" 

"They're still talking to each other?" Kitty interjected in disbelief. 

"- and she offered to get her boys to help. Something about wanting to do her bit for the community. Sounds to me like she desperately needs some soul-cleansing. I wonder why," he added darkly.

The rest of the X-Men nodded solemnly, looking as if they fully understood why.

"Anyway," Logan continued, flipping a few pages of his script. Chuck had told him if he continued with a nice even pace (i.e. "thisisaniceevenpace") with no interruptions or pauses for breath, it should take less than two hours to read the whole speech. He considered he was doing quite well, having covered ten pages in less than two minutes. 

"Professor Xavier blah blah blah, great fun for you, blah blah blah, still be training sessions ("aww!"), oh here we are. T_he smart, dashing, kind, generous and funny Professor Xavier has instructed that stupid, stubborn, savage and unstable I_-" 

"Something tells me he didn't write that speech himself," Kurt muttered. 

"- _guide you to your_ quest? Oh _querulous_-" 

"Yep, he didn't," Kurt amended.

"- _journey to put up a play for the folks of Bayville_. Hmm reminds me of some book or other I read."

"You read a book? A whole book?" Jean exclaimed in astonishment from where she was still seated on the floor.

"The synopsis on the book cover. Doesn't that count?"

"Ah. No matter. Proceed." Jean waved her hand dismissively.

Logan gave her a strange look, then continued reading from his - the script. "_After observing all of you for a long time, Professor Xav_-heck, Chuck, _Storm, and I have determined the best roles for you and the Brotherhood._"

Everyone looked at him expectantly.

"_The characters are as follows. Harry Potter will be played by Scott Summers._"

Scott looked pleased and slightly embarrassed as Kurt and Evan thumped him on the back.

"_Ron Weasley will be played by Kurt Wagner._"

Kurt looked extremely astonished, but rather joyful as he too enjoyed an honorary round of back-thumping.

"_Hermione Granger will be played by Kitty Pryde._"

Nobody saw Jean's look of tragic disappointment as they congratulated Kitty. Kurt looked positively ecstatic.

"What about Jean?" Kitty asked, voicing everyone's hidden thoughts.

"She can be Ginny," Rogue said, with a nasty smile. "Remember, Ron's red-haired little squirt of a sister who had a crush on Harry?"

Jean looked furious, while Scott appeared to be pondering whether this scenario could possibly parallel reality. He hoped it did.

"Er, well, she's McGonagall," Logan said, checking the paper in his hands.

"Yeah!" enthused Kurt, his momentary fear that Jean would replace Kitty as Hermione dispelled. "Jean's just perfect for McGonagall! She's..." he paused, the words, "bossy, prim, and snooty" on the tip of his tongue. "...good," Kurt finished lamely.

Jean looked venomous.

"To carry on, _Albus Dumbledore will be played by Professor_-CHUCK!?" Logan looked furiously at the ceiling. "THIS PLAY IS JUST A PLOY TO GET YOU INTO THE LIMELIGHT ISN'T IT?" he yelled.

"Calm down, Logan," Scott said in some alarm.

"Yeah," Kurt interposed. "Need some water?" he indicated the pail at the corner of the wall, and Logan looked a bit unnerved at the greedy look on Kurt's face.

Scott frowned at Kurt, then turned back to Logan. "Why don't you just go back to reading out the roles?" he said soothingly.

"Alright," Logan said. "BUT I SHALL COME TO LOOK FOR YOU ONCE THIS IS OVER!" he shouted at the ceiling again. "As you know, Minerva McGonagall is played by Jean Grey."

Jean responded by glowering at everyone.

"_Fred and George...ja_-"

"Learning German?" inquired Kurt in interest.

"No!" Logan looked displeased at being thought to be learning something. To him, everything was instinct! Instinct! And instinct was telling him right now he didn't like the look on Kurt's face. He hoped Kurt wasn't planning a one-on-one German tutoring session. 

"As I was just saying, _Fred and Georgia are played by Evan Daniels and Rogue._"

Evan and Rogue looked at each other in askance, while everyone else roared. Except Jean of course, who still looked sulky.

"Do you have the idea the Professor had little choice to choose from?" Rogue asked. 

"Paternal twins?" offered Evan.

Logan coughed. "_Hagrid will be played by_ -eh. _Fred Dukes_."

There was a moment of silence.

"Well, it does make sense," remarked Evan finally, but everyone still looked faintly repulsed by the idea that their favourite giant was being acted by a generally disliked blob.

"_Severus Snape will be played by_ _Lance Alvers._"

"Lance's hair isn't that greasy," Kitty grumbled.

Logan raised an eyebrow at her. "_Draco Malfoy_ _will be played by Pietro Maximoff._"

"He should be Quirrell...Voldemort," Evan said with fervour.

"Ah, yes._ Quirrell will be played by_ - gah. _Todd Tolensky._"

Everyone burst into uproarious laughter.

"Todd, that little pipsqueak, to be the master baddie?" Evan guffawed.

"Hmm, yeah. Ask Chuck. Oh wait." Logan scanned the paper. "T_he judge's decision is final. Other assorted minor characters will be played by actors who are not involved in the particular scene._"

He checked the wall clock. Hmm, not bad, he thought. Only about ten minutes. He had exceeded Chuck's expectations by...by...he decided it wasn't worth calculating,_ not_ because he actually couldn't divide the numbers. It was a lot, anyway. This called for a reward. Not including the fact that he hadn't throttled Chuck for putting him in charge of a mob of hyperactive kids _and_ making himself one of the star actors. Make that a double reward, Logan thought as he headed for the kitchen.

"Mystique will tell the Brotherhood their roles and all the other stuff I just told you. We'll be having our first rehearsal here. The scripts will be given out then," he called over his shoulder.

"Hey, Logan!" Kurt shouted after him. "When is the first rehearsal?"

"Good point," Logan muttered, checking through the wad of papers. "Uh...lets see...your first rehearsal is...er..._right now_," Logan finished in horror, his eyes flitting towards the fridge just visible beyond the kitchen door, wherein awaited his sweet, sweet, beer.

As if on cue, the doorbell rang.

**~tbc~**

Next chapter: Meeting the Mob. The Brotherhood arrive for their first rehearsal, someone sings, people are given Evil Eyes, and will Logan get to drink his beer?

I must apologise that this chapter is a bit jerky at bits and isn't really funny. Don't worry, it gets funnier during the rehearsals. So anyway, please review!

& fLiTwIcKe  



	3. Meeting the Mob

Elen sila lumenn omentielvo! _A star shines on the hour of our greeting_. Elvish, ja? Back in the LOTR mode. Must prepare for the movie. Anyway, as usual, thanks thanks to all my wonderful reviewers: Raliena, Belladonna, todd fan, The-Oddish, me, Red Witch (Harry doesn't get expelled, though I wouldn't mind), Katz R, Cammy, Neva (true, Dumbledore is in a class of his own), Eternity and Ms Puar (you know, I forgot about poor Neville!).

Chapter 3 isn't really very funny, more of a connecting chapter I guess. Well, hope you enjoy it anyway.

Disclaimer: X-Men Evo belongs to Marvel, Harry Potter to JK Rowling, Kit Kat to er...whoever owns Kit Kat, and I hope the song lyrics don't really belong to any song. 

****Chapter 3 - Meeting the Mob** **

A weird gurgling sound escaped Logan's lips, and the X-Men looked on in concern as his eyes darted frantically towards the kitchen for some reason or other.

"Alright," Scott began calmly. "Who's going to open the door?"

"Not me."

"Na-uh."

"No way.

"Forget it."

"What?" Rogue asked, feeling everyone's eyes on her.

"Please, Rogue?" Scott asked, turning on puppy-dog eyes, an amazing feat considering his shades. "You know the Brotherhood best. They'll be glad that your er...warm, friendly face is the first thing to welcome them into the Institute."

Rogue gave him a look that would have shrivelled up pickles.

"She declines," Scott announced to nobody in particular.

The doorbell began to ring with a merry insistency; it sounded very much like it was tapping out the rhythm of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. But then, that was the same tune for Baa Baa Black Sheep and the ABC rhyme...

"HELLO? IS ANYONE HOME?" Someone bellowed from outside the door.

"Logan!" Scott said.

"Gwahuh?" he said, startled. He reluctantly drew his eyes away from the kitchen to see Scott facing him, a determined look on his face.

"You are the director! It is your duty to welcome the actors."

Logan looked like he had just been told to abstain from beer for life. Hey wait, that gave him an idea... "Alright. Just give me a minute," Logan said, stalking off towards the kitchen.

Meanwhile someone outside had begun singing. "Oh I'm so loooonely! So looooooonely outside your doooooooooooor."

Kitty winced. "Is that their idea of singing? It doesn't even rhyme!"

"La la la la hor hor hor."

"Okay, I take that back," Kitty said, rolling her eyes.

At that moment Logan returned, triumphant with beer can in hand.

He marched out of the living room and down the hall to the door, where he threw the door open and was faced with the full-frontal assault of Pietro attempting a soprano.

Strength, strength! He thought, clutching his beer can compulsively.

"Oh, is that for me? Thanks!" With one deft move, Pietro seized the can, opened it, drank it down in one gulp, and wisely retreated to the back of the group, leaving Lance to deal with the fireworks.

Logan's fingers clasped the thin air where his beer can used to be, wondering whether he should burst into anger or tears.

Lance stared at Logan uncomfortably. He had never dealt with a raging, homicidal warrior before, and a crybaby raging, homicidal warrior was not a good prospect. 

Thankfully, Logan recovered quickly ("there's still three more beer cans in the fridge!") and welcomed them in as civilly as he could. Or, to quote the actual specimen, "In. Now."

Logan strode into the living room, tailed by Lance, Todd, Fred, and finally Pietro, who had the sense to stay at the back and far, far away from certain booze-addicts with retractable claws.

The Brotherhood stood awkwardly just inside the living room, shuffling their feet, twiddling their hands, and looking generally uncomfortable. The X-Men stared at them stonily in response, none of them quite willing to speak first.

Logan, however, didn't seem to notice the tension as he tramped off to the kitchen and emerged with yet another beer can.

"_More_ beer?" Jean asked in some revulsion, though she was glad for an excuse to break the silence. "Really, two in one day is just not good for you."

"I haven't even had one," Logan said sinisterly, giving Pietro a very, very meaningful look, i.e. touch this can and you'll never see the light of day again except through the little tunnels the worms I'll send to eat your rotting flesh make. Pietro made a funny squeaking noise and dodged behind Fred, hiding the incriminating now-empty beer can behind his back.

Logan opened his can and began drinking in noisy gulps, ignoring the deathly silence that had lain over everyone else in the room.

"Logan!" Scott hissed, indicating the brotherhood with a nod of his head.

"Huh? Oh," Logan said, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. Kitty and Jean grimaced. 

"Right. That's Lance, Todd, Fred, and..." he paused significantly, before adding venomously, "_Pee-eh-troll._"

Then he took another swig of his beer, while Pietro seethed at the pronunciation of his name.

"Erm, Logan?" Scott repeated manfully.

"What!?" Logan spat out, looking peeved at being yet again interrupted from his mini booze-fest.

Scott stared meaningfully at Logan.

"No, I can't read your mind," he snapped. "I'm going to the kitchen to finish my drink in peace." With that he strode off towards the kitchen and disappeared inside, swinging the door shut. Slurping sounds drifted faintly from within.

"I can read your mind," someone said irritably.

Everyone turned and stared at Jean, still sprawled on the floor. "What! I didn't say anything," Jean pouted. "I don't flaunt my ability."

"I did."

Everyone turned and stared at Lance in amazement.

"You can read minds?" Jean asked in astonishment, looking petulant her powers were becoming increasingly commonplace.

"Dude, why didn't you tell us?" Pietro exclaimed. 

"I meant it figuratively," Logan said crossly. "See here, Summers, we don't want to be here as much as you do, so can we just skip the civility and get this over with?"

Scott looked equally grumpy. "I would, but our acclaimed director is currently having an early happy hour."

"I am not!" Logan said, coming out from the kitchen. "It was just a well-deserved break."

"What about a Kit Kat instead?" Lance suggested sourly.

Logan gave him the Evil Eye. "A: not enough caffeine. B: Kit Kat is so passé."

Someone snorted, and Logan glared at the group of grouchy teens.

"Well, then. I think its time we began our first rehearsal."  


**~tbc~**

So thats chapter 3 for you. I promise you, the next chapter is going to be alot more interesting. Probably more OOC too. :)

Next Chapter: Todd gets artistic, Dumbledore uses slang (ooh), Prof X eavesdrops, Kurt really, _really_ needs therapy, and Pietro does a bad thing. Tsk.

Did I mention that this story will have a variety of text forms? There'll be third person omniscient (like now), script format, diaries, and maybe a few more I haven't quite decided. The next chapter is in script format.

Also, I might be changing my name because I went online and saw the person whose name I stole without consent and I felt so guilty. 

Namarie! _Farewell!_

& fLiTwIcKe


	4. Rehearsal 1

Hello again all! 

I've changed my username, as you can see. Name credits this time to the book Have a Nice Life by Scarlett MacDougall. You should try reading it, its funny. The whole quote is 'You Snooza, You Looza'.

Thanks to all my reviewers: Red Witch, todd fan, Cammy, me, o.O and fiReyLighT (hi charlene!). fiReyLighT mentioned that she originally couldn't review because ff.net said there was 'no story found' or something like that, so I was wondering if any of you experienced something like that too, because I have so little reviews! Wibble. Okay okay, lets start with the story.

Note: I think I've already mentioned that the story will be told using different text forms, and this chapter is quite obviously scripted. Some characters may be OOC, and sorry that some characters say piteously little lines, mostly because I don't like them so much. Also, the Professor wil be communicating with everyone through telepathy, except when I specifically mention he enters the room.

Disclaimer: X-Men Evo belongs to Marvel, Harry Potter to JK Rowling, but I selfishly claim Evil Eyes to be mine! I also insist the word 'McGall' is of my own invention.

**Rehearsal #1 as recorded by the Institute's Camcorder. **

[loud thumping noises, close-up shot of Logan flickers onto screen. He moves away to show everyone standing around the danger room and a large rectangle drawn on the floor]

**Logan:** There. I got the camcorder working, now lets begin.

**Kitty:** One question. Why do we need a camcorder?

**Evan:** One question. Why are we in the _danger room_?

**Logan:** [snaps] Answer to question one: Because Chuck said so. Answer to question two: Because I don't want you to destroy the Institute, and this is the only safe place to contain you bunch of lunatics. Oh, and Chuck said so. [to Todd] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

**Todd:** Eh? A little redecorating.

**Logan:** Stop spitting goop on the walls and ceiling! Its disgusting!

**Jean:** Not to mention unhygienic.

**Fred:** I disagree. I think Todd's being very artistic. Look at that! It looks like a...squiggly mass of goo.

**Todd:** Thanks. Its nice to know someone appreciates my work. Aieek! Leggo o mah tanghue.

**Logan:** Then stop with the graffiti.

**Todd:** Awight awight.

**Logan:** Okay, here are the scripts. Everyone take one. Now we'll begin scene one. Who are the actors? Right, Jean, Fred, get out into the makeshift stage. Everyone else, shoo off. NO NOT OUT OF THE ROOM! PIETRO, GET BACK HERE! ARGH! [tugs hair] Argh [tug], argh [tug], argh [tug]!

**Scott:** Cool it, Logan. Pietro's not worth your hairs. Anyway, he's not in scene one.

**Logan:** Yes. I shall not get mad. I shall - 

**Kurt:** find my inner peace?

**Logan:** NO!

**Kurt:** Alright, alright. No need to overwork those claws. Just er, go on with scene one.

**Logan:** Okay, so Jean, Fred, and ProfessorDumbledore.

**Jean:** Don't you mean Professor Xa - 

**Logan:** No! Alright, we'll need a doll for baby Harry.

**Evan:** So erm, who here still plays with dolls?

**Scott:** We can use Kurt's bolster.

**Todd:** [laughs] You have a bolster?

**Kurt:** [looks offended] No way am I letting BoBo go through such trauma.

**Todd:** [still laughing] He has a name! Can I meet BoBo, please?

**Kurt:** No, you -

**Logan:** Never mind! We'll just mime for now. Alright, this rectangle here is considered the stage. No no, inside the rectangle, not outside. Now Jean, you go stand at that corner. Fred, you'll be off-stage. No! _Outside_ the rectangle. Move up a bit. No not like that! Okay, ninety degrees to the right, walk 10 - wait, make that 3 paces. 

**Fred:** Huh?

**Lance:** He wants you to move up to that corner of the rectangle. [guides Fred] No, outside the rectangle. Yes, that's it. Good boy. [pats Fred on head]

**Logan:** Phew. Now that's over, lets begin with the actual thing.

**Jean:** Erm, Logan, what about Pro - 

**Logan:** Okay now! Jean, you can start reading - 

**Jean**: That's exactly what I'm trying to say! The first lines are said by Pro -

**Logan:** Well! I -

**Jean:** Dumbledore! That's what I've been trying to say for ages.

**Logan:** Oh really? I thought you were going to say - oh well never mind then. Scott, you can read Dumbledore's lines first.

**Scott:** Isn't Professor Xavier home to -

**Prof X:** [wheels into danger room] Hello! Did anyone want me?

**Jean:** Professor! Just in time! We - 

**Logan:** You evil, scheming, diabolical - 

**Evan:** I didn't even know he knew the meaning of that word.

**Logan:** [advances on Prof X] - fiend, you! Putting me in charge of this whole messy affair - 

**Prof X:** [backs off in alarm] Now now, Logan, that was because I had extreme faith in your capability of handling tough situations by using unique solutions...

**Rogue:** Read: booze, booze, and more booze.

**Logan:** -_ and_ you made yourself one of the most important characters in the book.

**Prof X:** Do not misunderstand! That was because I had no other cast to choose from.

**Rogue:** You mean like Fred and Geor_gia_?

**Logan: **Well, you could have cast me! I'm perfect for Dumbledore! I'm

**Todd:** About to tear the sweet Professor apart?

**Lance:** Taking advantage of a guy in a wheelchair? Tsk.

**Logan:** [shouting] I am _not_ taking advantage of Chuck! He can read my mind; he knew well enough he would get brutally murdered if he turned up for today's rehearsal.

**Prof X:** I still do. You know what, I think I'm feeling a little under the weather today, I'll just go back to my room and rest quietly. Bye! [leaves]

**Logan:** Good. Lets continue from where we left off, shall we?

**Jean:** That's exactly it, Logan. We haven't _started_. Due to your childish repartee with...[Logan massages his knuckles] ahem, I mean...[mumbles]

**Logan:** What?

**Rogue:** She just said that she really, _really _dislikes alcoholics with built-in weapons.

**Logan:** _Really?_ [looks menacing]

**Jean:** [pales] No! Not at all. You know what? I'm feeling a little unwell too! Must be the flu bug going around! I think I'll just retire to my room to rest!

**Lance:** Hey, guess what? We're all sick too, aren't we guys?

**Todd:** Oh yeah, we are!

**Fred:** Attttisshoooo! Definitely. I think I've some mucus - 

**Lance:** Fred! Spare us the details, please. Well, Logan, guess we'll be going now!

**Jean:** I'll send you guys out on my way up!

**Logan:** [growls and gives the Evil Eye] No you're not. You're staying right here till the two hours are up.

**Lance:** [backs off] Oh yeah, we're staying right here till the two hours are up.

**Logan:** So are you, Jean.

**Jean:** Heh. Was I ever planning to desert you in your hour of need? [hides behind Scott to avoid the Evil, _Evil_ Eye]

**Logan:** Jean, get back into the rectangle! Alright, now Scott you get in too, since you're replacing Pro - since you're Professor Dumbledore. Here are the scripts. [distributes script]

**Kitty:** Gee, Logan, its

**Logan:** Poorly written? Longwinded? Boring? Written by a certain...certain..._schemer_?

**Kitty:** I meant to say thin, actually.

**Logan:** Oh. [looks disappointed] But that equates badly written doesn't it? [looks excited]

**Kitty:** Er, yeah. Like, whatever you say.

**Logan:** _Gut_.

**Kurt:** You lie!

**Logan:** Huh?

**Kurt:** You speak German after all! Oh, fellow German speaker! [hugs Logan]

**Logan:** [turns purple in face and pushes Kurt off] I do not speak German! That was one word!

**Evan:** Yeah. Chill, dude. You sound like you need a therapist.

**Kurt:** [smiles broadly] Of course! [speaking to self] Hello, other self that needs a therapist! You must learn to relax, let the thoughts flow freely, to be able to be at synergy with yourself. Oh, and just wondering, do you have enough moolah to pay a highly-qualified therapist like me?

[Everyone edges away from an obviously deranged Kurt]

**Todd:** What's wrong with _him_?

**Lance:** And I thought nobody could beat Pietro.

**Logan:** Kurt, cut it out. Scott, read your lines now.

**Scott:** Okay..._Yo, McGall, whassup?_ Er...Logan?

**Logan:** Don't ask me, ask Chuck, he wrote the..._poorly written_ script.

**Prof X:** Did someone call?

**Logan:** NO! STOP EAVESDROPPING! But before you leave, why is McGonagall called McGall?

**Prof X:** Ahh. The reason behind this is of most intricate wisdom of which mere mortals like you are wont not to comprehend.

**Logan:** [threateningly] Would you rather I come look for you now?

**Prof X:** [hurriedly] To save paper.

**Everyone:** ...

**Logan:** And why does Dumbledore use words such as 'yo' and 'whassup'?

**Prof X:** Why, you yourself use slang!

**Logan:** [menacingly] Would you like to tell me the reason, _bub_?

**Prof X:** Heh. To save paper!

**Jean:** Professor, do you realise 'hi' is the same length as 'yo'?

**Prof X: **Well I...when one is caught in the harried and super-human task of writing a whole script, one cannot be bothered with trifling details like such.

**Jean:** One, I mean, I can help!

**Prof X:** Oh no! Don't worry! Its really quick and easy to write the script!

**Logan: **Look, Chuck, I absolutely refuse to direct the play with such a shoddy script!

**Prof X:** But the trees! We must save the trees!

**Logan:** How about saving your _skin_ instead?

**Prof X:** Right, I'll get to rewriting the script straightaway!

**Jean:** Can I help?

**Prof X:** Don't worry, Jean, I can handle it myself!

**Logan:** Now GO AND WRITE IT AND NO MORE LISTENING IN ON OUR REHEARSALS!

**Prof X:** Wibble.

**Logan:** Chuck

**Prof X:** Okay! I'm gone!

**Logan:** Well, people, I guess we can't get any rehearsing done until a certain...histrionic hypocrite - what? Why are you all staring at me?

**Kitty:** You know the meaning of the word 'histrionic'!

**Jean:** You can alliterate!

**Kitty:** It is much hard to find a literary scholar in today's rat race for fame and power.

**Logan:** Okay...rehearsal's are over for today! Now - 

**Pietro:** [zips into danger room] Well, hello again everyone! Did I miss anything?

**Fred:** You sure did! We had a telepathic argument! And guess what? [hushed voice] Professor Dumbledore uses _slang_!

**Pietro:** Darn. So I didn't miss anything _boring_?

**Logan:** Nope, its been most entertaining, especially without you around. Now find your own way out of the Institute, I'm going for a drink.

**Pietro:** [pales] A...drink?

**Logan:** Yeah.

**Pietro:** Are you _sure_ you want a drink? I mean, you shouldn't reward yourself so often...beer is bad for you! Very bad...er have you heard this legend about the beer fairy who comes in the afternoon, like around...a while ago, to take your beer?

**Logan:** [dangerous voice] Is this going where I think it is going?

**Pietro:** Er, if you don't lose your temper and kill people, especially silver-haired people whose presence is much adored and worshipped in the world, the beer fairy might reward you and give you back your beer! Eventually.

**Logan:** PIETRO MAXIMOFF! [chases after Pietro, who runs out of danger room screaming]

[Everyone stares at door]

**Lance:** I take it that the rehearsal is officially over?

[close-up of Jean, screen fizzles and goes out]

**~tbc~**  


Whee, this was a relatively long chapter. How's it on the humour scale? Did you laugh or not? Hope you enjoyed it! Please review (or spam)!

Next chapter: Ticket Schedule. A little humorous interlude. Ororo drafts the schedule for the sale of tickets and invites comments from all involved. Jean is the last to be listed, Rogue insults, people are piqued, and an offer of $50 to write an epitaph.

See ya'll next time round. Bye!

& SnoOza


	5. Ticket Schedule

Hey again everyone! I'm finally updating! Sorry for the long wait. I haven't been on ff.net very much recently and I apologise if I haven't been reviewing fics that I normally do.

As usual, thank you to all my reviewers: todd fan, Red Witch, charlie (that sounds slashy!), Cammy, Vampyre (thank you for my first flame!), RyanGosling4Ever (Ryan Gosling rocks! And thanks thrice for three reviews!), o.O/coconuttrey (meep! Get me away from thy evil eye!), fiReyLighT (i dost giveth thou credit for bobo), happymaximus (thanks for putting me on your fav author list!), and Katz R (thanks for putting me on fav author too!). I love all of you, my darling reviewers! You, may be the reason I survive, may lalalalala *sings offkey*.

Okay this chapter is just a bit of light humour. I have nothing else to say, other than have you watched Chamber of Secrets? Draco _rocks_!

Note: Remember that the characters in this story can be very OOC (see that, Vampyre? You can't touch me, because I have covered all my tracks! Muahaha.). Also, this story has slight hints at Lancitty (though I personally dislike it. Go Kurtty!). Lastly, lets assume that this schedule has been pasted up somewhere in the Institute where characters write comments on it whenever they feel like in between rehearsals and all that.

Disclaimer: X-Men Evolution belongs to Marvel, Harry Potter to JK Rowling (and WB and etc and etc), and 'loff' to the collection of weirdly-spelt words that serve no purpose, being the same length as the original.

****Chapter 5 - Ticket Schedule****

This is the schedule for the sale of tickets for the play Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, which will take place at the entrance of the Mall. The booth will be set up from 3-5pm from Monday to Saturday for this week, and two people are supposed to be at the booth at all times. The two people manning the booth each day are listed below.

_Compiled by Ororo Munroe_

Monday
Scott Summers
Lance Alvers

Tuesday
Logan
Professor Xavier

Wednesday
Rogue
Pietro Maximoff

Thursday
Kitty Pryde

Todd Tolensky

Friday
Evan Daniels
Fred Dukes

Saturday
Kurt Wagner
Jean Grey

My decision is final, unless you have a really, really, and I mean,_ really_ good reason. Or if you are willing to pay for a Hinoki Cypress Bonsai Tree.

**Comments**

Xavier: Storm, no bribes! I must talk to you about this habit of yours of mentioning various plant species at certain vulnerable times.

Jean: Why is my name on the _last_ day? And why am I pushed to the column on the right? 

Lance: Forget it, I'm not working with _Summers_.

Evan: Can we get a bigger booth for my day? I'm afraid I won't have any space to sit.

Rogue: What is _with_ the positioning? You got a screw loose up there, Ororo? 

Kitty: Lance, you can work with me! Please, Ororo?

Fred: Do we get snacks?

Kurt: Storm, don't change any of the positions! Its all great as it is! Don't heed Kitty; she doesn't know what she is talking about!

Pietro: I suspect this is some warped plot to dispose of my effulgent ebullient personality by putting me with a sour schadenfreude.

Logan: I REFUSE TO WORK WITH THAT SNEAKY UNDERHANDED FAUX PROFESSOR

Scott: I have this horrible premonition that my shades will go wonky this coming Monday.

Rogue: I am not a sour schaudenfreude. I am an Evil Sour Schadenfreude who will murder you on Wednesday so you had better stop with the insults.

Pietro: gulp.

Xavier: Storm, in the interests of my safety, you might want to consider putting me with someone else...

Lance: I'll work with you, Kitty!

Kurt: Kitty has suddenly decided she doesn't like you anymore and doesn't want to work with you.

Jean: I insist, as one of the senior members of the X-Men, to be treated with more respect than the lowest right column!

Kitty: I never did! Kurt, shut up!

_No amendments will be made to the schedule, except that Jean's position will be swapped with Kurt's. Logan, don't even think about those claws, or I'll tornado you to South Carolina. No snacks will be provided. A larger booth is not feasible, however you may make Fred stand outside and hang advertisements for the play on him. Rogue, there is no screw loose anywhere in the X-Mansion, however there is a sink in one of the upper bedrooms that needs some fixing, feel free to help. Todd, I do not count slime all over this schedule as a comment._

Logan: I never thought _anything_ about claws. How could you think such about me? I don't _need_ claws to - nothing.

Kurt: Ororo, I loff you! Loff loff loff!

Kitty: Ororo, I hate you! Hate hate hate!

Fred: I hate you too.

Rogue: Forget it, lady.

_Todd, one more time I find slime on this schedule, I'll..er, do something really wicked. As soon as I figure out what it is._

Todd: Obstruction of artistic license!

Xavier: Storm, do you still want that Hino-whatever Bonsai Tree? 

_Professor, you personally reprimanded me for attempting to bribe the students! Surely you are not about to turn back on your words?_

Evan: I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach...

Logan: I can't wait for my duty day. Can _you_, Professor?

Jean: Thank you for making the right choice and shifting me from the lowest right column!

Pietro: Oh yeah, swapping you and Wagner makes you _so_ much more important.

Jean: On the other hand, I want my duty day shifted up.

Xavier: Okay, I'm offering $50 for someone to write a nice epitaph for me.

Lance: Summers, if your shades so much as slip a millimetre down your nose, you are going to be buried under a pile of rubble a metre thick.

Kitty: Ooh. I love bad guys.

Scott: Alvers, if you so much as stick your hands out, your head is going to be blasted right off its shoulders.

Todd: Can I get $150 if I write epitaphs for Professor X, Lance, and Summers?

_Jean, I will no longer be amending this schedule, and please, Professor, this is not a board for discussing business contracts._

**~tbc~**

  
So, how was this? A bit confusing, maybe? Anyway, does anyone know how much a can of beer costs in U.S.? I need to know that for one my later chapters. And might possibly anyone know the cost of a Hinoki Cypress Bonsai Tree?

Next chapter: Not Jean's Place to Comment. Jean writes in her diary. Yawn.

Well, hope you liked this chapter! Please review or flame! *does the review dance* Well, ttfn!

& SnoOza


	6. Not Jean's Place to Comment

Woobles all! I feel so totally evil. #_# I have no excuse at all, just that I got bored of X-men Evo. Well, the reason you're actually getting another chapter is because I am bored. Seriously, outta-my-mind bored. A 2-week sudden holiday [so they call it] curfewed at home coupled with a 2-week abstinence of manga and anime is enough to drive one insane. >.  
So, thank you all my reviewers who have undoubtedly all flown away now: **todd fan** [crying is good for you :)], **Cammy** [I feel so guilty for not updating now. Yup I will be writing at least a one booth chapter], **MBLite** [50 dollars...are you sure you don't have it?], **Charlie** [hehehe, slashy means guy/guy or girl/girl. Cute suggestions, thanks!], **happymaximus** [thank you for the information I much desired!], **coconuttrey** [hmm, interesting suggestions], **RyanGosling4Ever** [I feel even more guilty…], **fiReylighT** [after how many mths, I've forgotten which letters have caps already.]   
  
So well, this chapter isn't really very funny, mostly just plenty of Jean-bashing. Enjoy!   
  
Disclaimer: X-Men Evolution doesn't belong to me, but I wish Ayashi no Ceres did   
****Chapter 6 - Not Jean's Place to Comment****   
  
==JEAN'S DIARY - DO NOT READ==   
  
Dearest Darling Diary,   
  
Today we rehearsed Scene: Road to Platform 9 ¾. It is not my place to comment, but I must admit that I think Professor X has not much talent with titles. Now, it is not my place to comment, but I can suggest some good titles. For example... However, I shall not list the possible names Professor X could have used, as it is not my place.   
  
To return to the topic at hand, we had a most unsuccessful 2 hours of rehearsal. Logan and Professor X had a most heated telepathic debate (on Professor X's side - I still have a slight headache from Logan's roars, due to my delicate ear condition) on whether we should use Kitty's powers to phase the actors through the 'wall' to 'Platform 9 ¾'. Logan was all for it, claiming, without an iota of proof, that it was too amateur to pass through black drapes that pass for walls. Professor X, however, had the sound judgement that it would be too risky with the number of people who would turn up to watch our play and might expose us. Now, I take no sides, and deign not to influence the wiser elders, but I must say I agree with Professor X.   
  
However, Logan eventually won Professor X over, if I may use the term so loosely. Rather, Logan threatened to cut Professor X out as Professor Dumbledore if he didn't let Kitty phase them through. He did however agree with Professor X that the light should be dimmed when they are phasing through so the audience cannot see clearly what is going on. It is not my place to say anything, but I must say that it is most unwise for Logan and Professor X to have such a childish disagreement as well as threatening each other in front of impressionable youngsters, particularly the Brotherhood. We are here to offer them a helping hand, to shape and mould them into people like me, not to encourage their methods!   
  
The rehearsal did not get better. It took Logan 15 minutes and 5 bucks to convince Todd to be Mrs Weasley. Logan thinks that Todd would make a good Mrs Weasley because he's short and his face is dumpy-looking (of course, he put it in more euphemistic terms, but being me, I could see through the façade right away). It is really not my place to comment, but I do think the role of Mrs Weasley should be given to someone more experienced and responsible and who is better at acting. I do not mean to flatter myself, but after all, Mrs Weasley has red hair.   
  
It is not my place to comment, but the others' acting were not much better. Scott, as usual, was rather stiff. He always was rather wooden and prim, poor boy, and he wonders why I do not go out with him. Kurt was way too self-conscious, especially about his wig, and kept scratching it. I must say I am rather insulted. I made that wig myself, thus the quality is assured. He has no need to behave like there is lice in it.   
  
Rogue was acting as obnoxious as always. She refused to say her lines and acted sulky, most unlike how George - or Georgia, should act like. If she would only ask me, I would be glad to help her improve her acting. Evan on the other hand, seemed to think he had to make up for Rogue's gloominess by acting excessively clown-like, hopping around and giving everyone rabbit ears.   
  
Even though the Brotherhood was not needed in this scene, Logan insisted that they come over to 'help out'. However, I really do not think that Logan's definition of helping out meant skulking around the set shouting out derisive comments to the actors. It is not my place to comment, but I do believe Logan made a mistake getting them to come.   
  
As I was the only X-Men who was not involved in the scene - no, I am certain it is not because of my poor acting skills (how could that be?) but because Professor X deemed I was the only one responsible enough to keep the Brotherhood in check. So, though I was filled with a strong desire not to, I did my job and tried to stop the Brotherhood from wreaking havoc.   
  
It is not often that I, Jean Grey, honour roll student, fail in my missions, but I must confess that today I did. It is not my place to comment, but I HATE THE BROTHERHOOD!!! Sorry, I need to calm down. Its just that...my nerves are somewhat frazzled after the ordeal. Do you know what the Brotherhood did to me? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE BROTHERHOOD DID TO ME??? DO YOU??? DO YOU???   
  
Okay, I take that as a no.Well, they did the worst thing possible to me. They...they...ignored me! Even Fred! THEY IGNORED ME!!! _ME!!!_ DO YOU GET IT??? DO YOU??? DO YOU???   
  
I need a drink.   
  
xxxxxooooo   
  
*~Jean~*   
  
_Now, Jean, it is not my place to comment, you being our oh-so-wise-but-still-so-humble senior, but next time don't choose the sofa to hide your diary. My bottom is still rather sore. - Rogue   
  
P.S. You can call it Scene: I Was Not In This Scene So It Is Not Important Enough To Have A Name. And yes, we get it._   
  
~tbc~   
  
Next chapter: Logan's absent from this rehearsal, 'Snape' insists he didn't steal the Stone, Jean's authority is undermined, Lance's limping abilities come under the microscope, Kurt's vocabulary manifests itself to the amazement of everyone, and various fanfiction pairings are discussed.   
  
Another reason why I'm updating: X-men Evo is coming to Singaporeeeeeeeeee!! About time, I'd say. In conjunction with the X-men movie, I suppose. I can't wait for that one either. Agree? Anyway, review please!   
  
Lotsa Loff,   
  
& SnoOza 


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